


Need

by Grinder1833



Series: Missing Moments [25]
Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-29
Updated: 2011-11-29
Packaged: 2017-10-26 16:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/285232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grinder1833/pseuds/Grinder1833
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noah consoles Luke after Holden's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need

Luke’s body was wracked with sobs as Noah held him tightly, wanting to absorb all Luke’s grief. Seeing Luke so broken tore Noah apart but he needed to remain strong for Luke. Even if he was still having a difficult time wrapping his head around the news of Holden’s death. Noah didn’t want to believe that it was true that Holden was really dead. Holden had become the father he always wished he had. Now he was gone.

Noah squeezed his eyes shut to block the impending tears, a bit surprised by how easy he could will them not to fall. Noah could still be the strong solider and keep the stiff upper lip when necessary.

 _The Colonel would be so proud,_ Noah thought bitterly.

He could cry later – alone. Luke didn’t need to worry about him too. Knowing his boyfriend, he was already trying to carry weight of his father’s death on his shoulders, putting the needs of his mom and siblings before his own.

But Luke needed to be looked after as well. Noah would make sure it happened.

“I’ve got you, baby,” Noah murmured, caressing Luke’s back. “You can just let it all out. I won’t let you go.”

Luke clung to him until his sobs became gasps for air. He let go of Noah, sniffling and wiping his eyes. “God…I’m such a mess.” He wiped his runny nose with the back of his hand.

“You’re entitled to be.”

Luke shook his head, wrapping his arms around his chest as he began to pace. “I’m the oldest I gotta take care of the kids…my mom.” He stopped for a moment to gaze at Noah, eyes wide and bloodshot. “Ethan…Ethan doesn’t even understand -” Luke’s voice cracked.

“Hey…hey.” Noah’s arms were back around Luke. “You don’t have to handle all of this by yourself. You have your grandmothers, your cousins, Damian, friends, and me. You have me, Luke.”

Luke nodded. “Yeah, but you’ve got your film that you need to work on, not to mention your job. You just can’t blow them off to hold my hand.”

Noah frowned. They’d been together for almost two years and for some reason it seemed like Luke didn’t think that he could count on him. Had he let him down so many times in the past that Luke felt he couldn’t trust him? Didn’t Luke realize that he might need some time to grieve for Holden as well?

Before Noah could voice his concern, Damian burst into the room, dialing his cell phone. He stopped short once he noticed that he wasn’t alone. “Luciano, I thought you had gone.”

“No. I should stay here,” Luke decided. “My mom might need me.”

Damian placed his hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Son, you need to get some rest and take care of yourself.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” Noah spoke up, ignoring the exasperated look Luke shot his way. “You’ve been through hell today.”

“Let Noah take you home,” Damian suggested, giving Luke’s shoulder a squeeze. “You can have something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” Luke snapped. “I’m needed here.”

“Luke,” Noah said softly, “you’re not going to do your family any good if you collapse.” He could see that Luke was hanging on by a single thread that was ready to snap soon.

Damian nodded in Noah’s direction. “Noah’s right. Go home, take some time for yourself. I’ll be here to look after your mother and the kids.”

If Noah wasn’t so worried about getting Luke home, he would have questioned why Damian had deemed himself caretaker of Lily and the kids. Not only was he her _ex-husband_ , Holden had loathed him. He kept silent for Luke’s sake – at least for the moment.

“Come on.” Noah draped an arm across Luke’s shoulders, carefully guiding him toward the door. “Let’s go home.”

Luke stopped, turning to face Damian. “You’ll call me if anyone needs me?”

“Yes, son. I’ll call you.”

This seemed to pacify Luke because he allowed Noah to steer him out the door. As Luke ambled to Noah’s truck in a zombielike trance, Noah made a silent vow that he would get Luke through this.

 ****

********

“Did you want something to eat?” Noah asked, closing the apartment door behind him. “There might be some leftover spaghetti in the fridge or I can whip up something else.”

Luke plopped down onto the sofa, shaking his head. “I’m not hungry.”

“How about I order a pizza from Bennidito’s?”

“Damn it, Noah, I said that I’m not fucking hungry!” Luke shouted. “Can’t you just leave me the fuck alone?”

“I’m just trying to help,” Noah quietly replied.

“I don’t need your help. I just need my dad,” Luke’s voice trembled as he buried his face in his hands.

Noah swallowed. “I need him too.”

God did Noah ever need Holden. Holden would be able to tell him how to help Luke. It seemed like Luke’s father always had the answers. Time and again Holden had been in their corner. Noah would never forget Holden apologizing for how he’d treated him after Luke had been injured by the Colonel. That was the moment Noah knew just how special Holden Snyder was. It took a big man to admit that he was wrong and had rushed to judgment. Noah remembered being a bit awestruck when Holden had offered his apology.

And then there was last Thanksgiving when he and Luke had been on the outs with each other, but it hadn’t stopped Holden from stopping by Java to save Noah from a Thanksgiving alone. He’d invited him to the farm to be with family. It meant the world to Noah that Holden wanted him as part of their Thanksgiving celebration regardless of his current situation with Luke.

He’d also miss Holden’s big bear hugs. The thought of never feeling one again…

That’s when Noah just lost it. The dam burst and the tears flowed down his cheeks…tears for the man who’d become the father figure he so desperately needed – still needed.

“Noah?” Luke looked up at him a bit bewildered.

“I’m sorry.” Noah quickly wiped his eyes. “The last thing you need is me breaking down.”

Luke reached for him. “Noah, oh my god – no.” He took his hand, pulling him down onto the sofa. “I’ve been so wrapped up in how I’m feeling that I didn’t even consider how this is affecting you. I’m such a shitty boyfriend.” Luke wrapped his arms around Noah, hugging him tightly.

“You’re not. Don’t ever say that.”

“My dad loved you, you know,” Luke murmured against Noah’s neck.

“I loved him too,” Noah sniffed. “He got me through some rough times.”

“Me too.” Luke kissed Noah’s shoulder then sat back. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. I just feel so lost right now.”

Noah gently stroked the back of Luke’s hair. “You gotta promise me that you won’t drink.”

Luke’s brow furrowed. “Something bad happens and you automatically think that I’ll dive headfirst into a bottle?” He turned away from Noah, defenses up. “Thanks a lot.”

“Luke.” Noah gently turned Luke’s head so that they were once again making eye contact. “I’m sorry but I just need to make sure, especially after what happened last fall. This situation is far worse.”

“I wouldn’t do that to my family,” Luke insisted, holding Noah’s head in his hands. “I’ve learned that nothing good comes from my drinking. Not only does it hurt me but it also hurts the people I love.”

“Okay…but if it ever gets to be too much for you -”

“I’ll let you know.” Luke kissed him lightly on the lips. “Promise.”

Luke seemed to think that Noah could always be won over with one of his kisses. He was usually right too. However, it wasn’t going to stop him from keeping an extra close eye on his boyfriend. He was still very worried about Luke.

“Are you sure you I can’t make you some soup? Grilled cheese?”

Luke slowly shook his head. “How come when something really bad happens people try to feed you?”

“Maybe it’s because they don’t know what else to do.” God knows that Noah was at a loss of how to take the hurt away. He’d do anything though.

Luke laced his fingers through Noah’s, which were resting on his thigh. “You can hold me again – makes me feel safe.”

Noah smiled weakly. “I can definitely do that. It makes me feel safe too.”

Still keeping hold of Noah’s hand, Luke stood up. “Can we take this into the bedroom? I want to get out of these clothes and just shut the rest of the world out for a little while.”

“We can do whatever you want, baby.”

Noah slowly got to his feet, allowing Luke to lead him into their bedroom. He couldn’t help but think that when they had woken up this morning their biggest problem had been trying to coordinate their busy schedules so they could spend more time together. Lately, almost all of Noah’s time had been split between trying to hammer out a script with Mason for his senior film project and working at Java. Luke was just as busy learning the ropes at Grimaldi Shipping.

This morning Luke had woke him up with a blow job which ultimately led to one heated session of lovemaking. The sheets on the bed were still askew from it because there hadn’t been time to make the bed.

Damn…it seemed like a lifetime ago.

Luke wasted no time getting out of his jeans and polo shirt, trading them for gray sweats and one of Noah’s old t-shirts. Noah followed suit, stripping down to his boxer briefs so he could be more comfortable. He didn’t bother to put anything else on. He was just anxious to hold Luke again.

Together they lay on the bed, Luke resting his head against Noah’s bare chest. For the longest time they were quiet. For probably the thousandth time, Noah wished that he was good with words. He wasn’t though, so he conveyed his love and support for Luke through light kisses to the top of Luke’s head along with constant caresses.

“I didn’t even hug him goodbye,” Luke said, voice raw. “I should have hugged him and told him that I love him before he left. I-I-I can’t even remember the last time I told him that I loved him.”

“He knew, Luke.”

Luke sniffed. “I just wish I could have made him proud. I messed up so much over this past year.”

“You did make him proud,” Noah reassured him. “Everyone makes mistakes. You’re forgetting the good things you did with the foundation and on top of that you got a job this summer.”

“Not the job he wanted me to have.”

“Maybe not, but don’t you get some of your stubborn streak from him?”

“That’s what my mom always said.”

“I know he didn’t always agree with some of your choices, but I’m willing to bet that he admired your convictions.”

Luke looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. “I hope so.”

Noah kissed the top of Luke’s head. “I know so.” Luke nodded. “You can keep making Holden proud by continuing to be the kind, loving, smart, amazing man he raised.”

“Before you came over Damian asked me if I needed anything,” Luke said quietly. “I told him that I needed my dad. It probably hurt him to hear that, but he could never replace my dad. I know that I should be grateful on some level that Damian is in my life, but -” his voice cracked.

Noah held Luke tighter. “He’s not Holden.”

Damian Grimaldi was worlds apart from Holden Snyder. Noah never felt close to Damian like he did with Holden. Damian was polite enough but he couldn’t picture him ever hugging him or indulging in a root beer float with him. One thing he knew for certain was that Damian loved Luke. Hopefully, he’d continue doing right by him.

“No, he’s not.” Luke nuzzled against Noah’s chest.

“He doesn’t have to replace Holden.”

Luke nodded, stifling a yawn. He was fighting the good fight to try to stay awake. It looked like he was losing, though. “Yeah…I suppose,” he murmured, snuggling even closer to Noah.

Noah kissed the top of Luke’s head. “The important thing to remember is that you’re surrounded by people who love you.”

Luke didn’t respond. He was fast asleep. Thank god.

Noah closed his eyes, hoping that love would get all of them through this rough time.


End file.
